Therapy Through Blogging

I'm thinking on about why I quit writing in the first place, in regards to the Reverb 10 thingy. I'm sort of understanding I really just wanted someone to read my thoughts and tell me what they thought. Sort of like, seeing a therapist.

Reason for this:
Friends seem to be on the receiving end of my help.

I have spent a lot of time using my grief to help my friends and my experience as well. Influencing them and motivating them to be something with their lives. And I don't get that. I'm not listened to anymore. I'm help. Which wouldn't be a bad thing if not for the amount of days when I'm holding back a lot.

I felt weird as days went on about writing personal journal entries to complete strangers. I wasn't much bothered by the readers. I wanted more readers. I loved that kind of stuff. But I always wondered if this was going to be my first impression to the real world. Was this going to be the image I would project into the rest of the world? And what if people who read this got the wrong idea of who I am from these little windows into my brain.

I have a lot of things I want to say or be challenged on. It just never happens to me. I think. Well, only person to come close to actually challenge me was a friend of mine from CCBC. Didn't want to tell her why I cried. I just felt like, these are things I need to talk to someone else about. Someone interested in my shit. I mean, its not like I'm not interesting. I'm just interested in being interesting in another way.

I dunno, I think honestly this all comes from me looking at a marathon of In Treatment. A show I've been looking at for three years now. And I envy these fictional patients. On this show a therapist picks the minds of his patients and... well, he listens to them tell him things about their personal lives. And all I think about is, how freeing it is to let someone have all of that.

I remember benefiting greatly from counseling this semester. I would not be happy if I didn't see a counselor. I  was a wreck and days later I showed improvement. But this week has been different. I've been craving drugs. I've been craving anything that could make me feel good.

I think about this and I think about today, being on stage. And how I didn't feel an audience. I felt like I was wearing a big wool jacket. Like one of those jackets you see Eskimos wearing. I felt safe. I felt like I was somewhere I could grow. I remember tweeting, "I feel safe."

So, I wanna be listened to, I like counseling, I currently crave drugs and stage makes me feel insulated & safe.

I think maybe, I want to get back into counseling. I think that'll be awesome. And there was a difference between Aaron the drug abuser and the when I prepare to go on stage. I'm not concerned about drugs. I'm only interested on being on stage again.

Maybe? Maybe not? You tell me what you think from this peek into my head.