I'm honestly nervous, all I'm hoping for is that I show up.
Here is my script.
For anyone who doesn't know me, which is all you niggas, I'm Aaron. I was invited here by the lovely Joi. She's been one of the most positive people I've met so far this year. And she's asked me twice very nicely to come back here. And both times I said no. So she asked me a third time. And here I am. Last time I said, when I'm nervouse I say things like "Fuck you" to the audience.So here goes... fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. some of you may be wondering if some of those fuck you's came from a bad place... it did. And I'm sorry.
Alright, I'm ready. I wanted to read a letter up here. The first one is from a child named Sarah.... he writes, "Dear, Aaron, Why do I poop different from everyon else?"
My next letter reads, "Dear God, how do I get a girlfriend?" Part off me thinks this is not a question I can rrightly answer. But I'm gonna try. Beccause this was written to me.
So you wasn't to learn how to get a girlfriend.
Well first thing you want to do, go to a school or get a job. Having just one means nothing. You need both.
Scan your school or job for a possible partner.
Hey look, there's Samantha! No, Samantha is not good! She's a 10 and you sir, are a 4. Lets look longer. Ah yes, Jennifer. NO! She's a 2. She's an ugly duckling. And nobody wasn't to be known for carrying ugly ducklings. How about Shawneesha? Ha, that was a joke! Shawneesha is obese, retarded and walks with a limp. But believe me, I'd hit it. Well, lets keep looking. Ah yes, there she is, Sasha. A 5.3. Good for you son.
You will want to talk to her. DON'T! Talk loudly the closer she gets to you. That way she'll over hear you telling your funniest jokes.
If she doesn't take the bait. Play music you think she likes really loud. In hopes that she'll listen to it with you. Ten points!
Now that you've obviously got her attention, pretend like you've known her all your life by telling her overtly sexual jokes. Women like to know what you want right up front.
Now that she knows your good and horney, invite her on a date. But remember, you want to pretend like you have friends, so say you've invited other people. And on the day of the date tell her, "All of my friends have left."
She has to have given you her number. DON'T CALL! Cuz if you call, she'll think you're weird. And besides, you don't have much to talk about.
Now its the day of the date. And she's sitting beside you and you and her are all alone in the theater... pull down your pants.
She'll look at you and your erection simply delighted.
But pull up ur pants. Remember, keep her wanting.
You have now earned a girlfriend. And more life tips are on the way.
Spies
Its the moment that is commonplace.
It tears you up and lays you to waste.
The spies don't even need a door,
to leave you lyin on the floor.
And mybe in the yesteryear,
the spies would whisper in your ear.
And telling funny things to you,
& things I bet ya thoght ya knew.
Or sometime in the light of day,
Call you as a travel aid.
But even now I thought you knew,
what the spies would do to you.
But the rest of us could use a laugh
to get over spies of past.
Brothers traitors whats to come.
When you live a life on the run?
